Don't Be a Douche Bag!

I find it amusing that a device used for vaginal irrigation is now widely used as a derogatory slang term for someone who is a jerk.  In roller derby "don't be a douche bag," is a cardinal rule.  

Roller derby is no sport for the easily offended, faint of heart, or sissy girls who can't stand bruising. Only women with thick skin, tenacity to push their body beyond it's limits, and are hardcore enough to withstand brutal blows can really make it.  In essence, signing up for roller derby is like volunteering to get beaten up by a clan of wild banshees.  That being said, there is still no reason to be a douche bag since most of us, even opposing teams or leagues, are chummy off the track.  

My first encounter with douche baggery on the track occurred when I started scrimmaging.  I remember being more excited than a kid about to go on their first roller coaster ride.  Of course I was also experiencing the "poop or puke" syndrome associated with skittishness.  After all, I was playing with the big girls who had years more experience than me and could lay me out flat on my ass before I saw what was coming.  None the less, I was determined to give it all I had, even if that was only holding the line.  

At one point in the scrimmage, the bench coach passed the jammer pantie to me. I was thrilled, it was finally my chance to show the big girls what I was made of.  Skating up to the jam line my heart was fluttering with anticipation.  Then there was one whistle, signaling the pack to start followed by two, signaling us jammers.  I skated as fast as I could.  Approaching the pack I tried to avoid the blockers but one skater had honed in on me like an eagle on its prey.  It was if she could foresee my every move.  Then all of a sudden I felt her bony shoulder crush my chest as she swooped in for the kill.  The blow caused me to let out a sound I didn't even know I was capable off making.  It was at that moment I understood the power of the sternum buster first hand.  We'd practiced it a few times on the Rookie team I was on, but never full force.  In any case, I wasn't gonna let one blow keep me from getting through that pack!  I regained my momentum and then slam!  Another!  The bitch hit me with another sternum buster!  At this point my boob was tingling with pain and I was starting to get really aggravated.  Then smack! Again with the sternum buster!  WTF, I was a rookie!  Why the hell was she treating me like a star jammer on the travel team!  

After this jam I developed a bruise on my boob, a fear of jamming, a grudge for one particular skater, and a deeper understanding of the rule, "don't be a douche bag."

To all you out there that do the derby and play tough, I salute you.  You make the sport exciting to watch and raise the level of competition to new heights.  However when you're playing with rookies who are fresh to scrimmaging, take it easy.  Its not that you shouldn't hit them, they need to experience taking hits in order to improve.  However slaughtering them with big hits is pretty extreme and evil.  After all rookies really aren't that hard to block anyways.  To those of you that get some kind of satisfaction in hurting animals, making babies cry,  and picking on rookies I hope some derby karma comes your way.